The Potty Training Process is Not Traumatizing

Possibly as a result of the exacerbation of “gentle” a.k.a permissive parenting, potty training acquired a bad rap for being “traumatizing.”

Let’s first establish what traumatizing means. It means to cause deep emotional or psychological harm that can have lasting negative effects on a person’s well-being, thoughts, or behavior.

To be clear, guiding a child through a requisite milestone is not traumatizing. Allowing potty training to be parent-led instead of child-led (letting the child decide when it’s their time to no longer wear any diapers for good and exclusively poop and pee in the toilet), is not inflicting a trauma upon them.

What can be traumatic is allowing your child to sit in his or her poop or pee well past the three-year-old milestone of individuation (when they realize they are uniquely their own person, separate from you, their mother). If your child is old enough to walk, talk, and throw a fit for something, they are absolutely capable to be potty trained.

Having big feelings about using the toilet or begging for a diaper to poop in is not a true trauma. Bringing memories of sitting in poop or pee amongst your peers as an older toddler into adulthood can be interpreted as traumatizing.

We can do hard things. Our toddlers can do hard things. There are some circumstances in life in which we, the parents, must hold the power, and others where our children can. When it comes to what color socks they want to wear, whether they want to drink their water out of a red or blue cup, or whether they want to do a puzzle or doodle during quiet time, your toddler should absolutely have a say. When it comes to brushing teeth twice per day, bedtime, and when you are committing to the potty training process, that must be determined by you.

Somewhere along the lines, we have equated strong, resistant feelings with “trauma.” Unless you are strapping your child to a toilet with duct tape, using corporal punishment (please, never ever do this), or raising your voice and becoming scary mommy, the potty training process is not traumatizing your child.

You know how they say the gentlest way to remove a bandaid is by ripping it off? You can apply that to potty training. The best way we parents can be is gentle yet firm. Think authoritative parenting, not authoritarian. Your child will know he or she can count on you every time. You are consistent and calm. You are ushering them through each block of the process in a timely and orderly fashion without rushing AND without lingering for too long in any particular block because it’s easy and comfortable. You’re not afraid of a challenge, and you understand some blocks will present deeper learning curves than others.

So, my advice to you is to banish the idea that potty training is inherently “traumatic.” Not everything that is hard is traumatizing. I promise you waiting even longer to jumpstart this milestone does not guarantee it will come easier or faster. In fact, it’s almost always quite the opposite.